Skeleton Thighs

Todayyy.

Seeing my boyfriend after a day of being home sick.

Breakfast: 

None

Lunch:

1 cup milk (130)

1/2 cup tango juice (30) (?)

2 babybel cheese’s (140)

Dinner:

Probably gunna be KD. Dunno yet. I’ll edit later.

Total without dinner:

300

Total

Breakfast:

XL orange peko tea from tims, 2 milk, 3 sugar. (260)

Lunch:

2 Rainbow candies, (56)

Snacks:

Small slurpee  (friend got it for me..) (130)

Water (0)

Dinner:

2 Snack wraps from tims, no cheese, no tomato, ranch. (160 each, 320 )

Total: 766

Better. But I can do better then this.

Today

Intake:

Breakfast

Green tea, 2 splenda (0)

Lunch

17 fries (9 each, 153)

6 rainbow candy belts (28 each, 168)

Snack

1/8 chocolate cake peice (50)

Dinner

1 Gala Apple, Medium (71)

4 peices of bread (300) with mayo (80) and Mustard (0)

Snack

2 peices of bread without crusts (80) Mayo (40) Mustard (0)

Total:  942 Calories

Not bad since I went from having over 2500 calories a day to this.. But I can do better.

It feels like everyone else is moving forward in their lives and I’m still stuck in the past…

Depression

I was..

..so small. I was 107. I was pefect. I was 17.3. I was perfect. Now I’m 124. Now I’m failure. Now I’m 20.0. Now I’m average. Average is fail. Average is not perfect. Tomorrow I don’t eat. I can’t eat. And I won’t eat until I collapse. Grad is coming shortly. I have less then a few days till my dress gets fitted. If I don’t fit that dress on the day. I’ve won. If I fit it. Or its just right. I’ve failed.

I’m 124 lbs.

I went from 130. To 107. I can do this. And I will. Because I’m tired of it. I’m so sick and tired of the food. The guilt. I need to not eat for a while. Green tea is my new best friend. Maybe apples will be my friend too.

124 lbs..

FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. 

Sure..

Age? Seventeen.

Sex? Female.

Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc) Nothing really.. just me.

How long have you been cutting? I don’t ‘cut’ per-say. I scrape my arms till they bleed quite bad.. since I was 8.

Favorite tool? Anything sharp, but never a razor. (Which is a lie, I used a razor twice)

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)? My room, lights on. Usually happens around 2am.

Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists, forearms & upper arms, etc.)? I used to cover my wrists and forearm. But now the scars have faded.

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time? Sweater. Everyday.

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest? I’ve scraped my stomach.

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars? Left arm and the inside of my thighs (those have faded..)

What’s your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut? Usually its, ‘cat’ ‘dog’ ‘work’ or ‘I’m just so clumsy.’

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting? No.

when was the last time you cut? (Scraped) 3 days ago.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have? Honestly.. too many. Most have faded. (More then 4 years old)

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd? No.

Who knows you cut? A few.

Have you ever been caught cutting? Once or twice. My boyfriend.

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel? No. Good thing about scraping is that there can be as much blood or as little blood as you want..

Did you have a good childhood? No.

Why do you cut? Treated badly as a kid. Bullied. Fat. Worthless. Those reasons.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor? Yes.

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)? Yes.

Do you like cutting? Sometimes.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide? 4. 

Two OD’s. Two hangings. (And one drowning, but I chickened out..)

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury? Most kids who cut now days do it for silly reasons..

Do you like watching movies with self-injury? Sometimes. By myself usually.

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury? No. It triggers me and I really hate large amounts of blood.

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)? Sometimes.

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars? Once. In a (wtfwhycan’tirememberwhatitscalled) opposite color picture..

Do you want to die? Yes.

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury? No. But I would want to. It could maybe give people a look into what really happens.

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.? Sometimes sad music. Sometimes nothing.

What do you use to bandage your cuts? I use a tenser bandage and say I ‘sprained my arm’ a lot.

(Source: anxiouslydevoted)

I’m sorry I’m such a failure..

I’m sorry..